Mie never loved me. She just loved hyphens. Our wedding was nothing but a shortcut to a double-barreled surname. I confronted her about this one night at Chez Malik.

"What-- what do you mean, boo-boo?" she replied.

"I also know," I continued, "about you and that asshole John-John Fotherington-Nakamura-Smyth."

She swallowed. "I-- I--"

"Stop using em-dashes!" I shouted, slamming down my water glass. "Damn you, they're not the same as hyphens!"

"You'll never understand em-dashes or hyphens!" she cried. "Not like John-John-Johnnie-John does!"

Malik came over. "Um... please..." he began.

"Fabulous. Ellipses," I snapped.

Mie started to cry.